Date Asked: 2011-07-03 11:01:54
Date Answered: today
I'm 20, bidexual female, and in a relationship with a male.
A few weeks ago, although I love my bf, I realized that I am in fact gay. It hurts to stay with him because i feel and emptyness in me that longs for the intamacy of a woman. I feel guilty for not loving him enough to want to stay with him after all we have been through, but I can't lie to myself any more. as a pastor's daughter, I tried to convince muself that I could love both genders but my heart and mind cannot be satifyed by male love. I often feel unnatural with a man and lately, with a close friend, our relationship(which turned into a full fledged lesbian relationship) feels natural and complete.
What should I do? My bf is convinced that it is a phase and i'm still conflicted and unsure of myself in whether i am gay or bi. He begs me to stay with him but I just dont know what to do. Please help me
It sounds like you are having a pretty tough time. I sympathize with you.
First- do not beat yourself up for not 'loving your b/f enough to stay with him'. It would be far worse for both of you were you to stay with your b/f when you clearly are not in love with him. If you WERE actually in love with him- no one would be able to lure you away from him- be it man or woman.
Now might be a good point for you to spend some time away from him in order to sort things out. It is difficult to be true to yourself when you have people manipulating you for their own purposes.
Coming out to yourself is often as difficult as it is to come out to others. You have a lifetime to spend with yourself- and your feelings are the most important of all right now. You must be completely honest with yourself and decide what truly makes you happy.
Can you honestly say that it would be O.K. with you if you were never with a man intimately or sexually ever again? Can you imagine dating only women for the rest of your life, and even possibly making a lifetime commitment to a woman? If you were to break up with the woman you are currently seeing- do you think your next pursuit would be a woman?
Most people change somewhat with years and experience to varying degrees, and it is possible that you are going through a phase, but from the way you describe your feelings I would feel inclined to believe that you are a lesbian. The important thing is for you to decide what makes you happy at this point in your life.
You may decide that you do not want to commit either way at this point. If you are not sure about your feelings for either of them- then as long as you are not living with either of them, and are not leading anyone on, and are not giving anyone false hope- then that's O.K., too. You should do what you need to do to be happy.
If you decide to break up with your b/f be careful and gentle. It is not necessary for him to know all of your feelings, and it is not necessary for him to know all of your business. You can leave out all of the details because if you are not committed to him it is none of his business and the facts may hurt him and he in return may decide to hurt YOU. Do not tell him anything that would incite him to hurt you or ruin your life and do not give him or anyone else facts that they can use against you.
I am telling you this because over the years I have had people that I thought were my friends and loved ones use my sexual orientation against me in ways that have affected my life and employment in profound ways.
I hope that I have answered your question to your satisfaction, however, please write again if I missed something.
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