Torn between man and woman.
|Question:||I am eighteen years old and bisexual. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year, and I love him more than anything, but I often find myself wanting so badly to be with a girl. I tried having a three-way with our friend a while back, but I didn't enjoy it. Niether of us would want an open relationship, either. I hate missing out on this side of myself. Any advice on how to create a balance between my love for a man and my want for a woman?|
I could use a little more information. Read what I have to say, and if I have not helped you- please write again. I will ask you some specific questions at the end of my answer, and throughout my answer.
BTW- threesomes rarely work out. Usually someone involved is angry, hurt, insecure and jealous or disappointed, and although there may be no immediate negative consequences- out of the many, MANY couples that I know- who have engaged in group sex, only one or two of these couples are still together. Frequently the experience puts some chinks in the foundation of trust that a successful relationship requires. So- be careful about that kind of exploration if you are hoping for a lengthy and committed relationship. TO ANYONE. Did your boyfriend like the threesome? Who did NOT like it? Did it leave you with this bothersome feeling that you wanted to do it again, only this time without the boyfriend?
Sometimes people use threesomes to safely go where they dare not go alone. And then- when they get a little sample of what things might be like having sex with another woman (in this case) an obsession develops that nags them until they have to make it happen for real. One on one. At that point- they either like or they do NOT- and all is well- or not.
The answers about one's sexual orientation are rarely easy to find, and even less seldom- permanent. You will make a million changes between now and the day you die. THAT, I PROMISE!
The only advice that I can give you is to be very honest with yourself and with your boyfriend (within reason - you do not want to cause him to feel threatened and use your personal information to hurt you). Where you end up sexually depends on YOU. Would you be devastated to realize that you are gay?
It really seems to me that you are hoping to enjoy a relationship with your boyfriend, and have some sex with women. That will not be a good thing. A lot of people will be hurt.
You could shove your feelings and refuse to act upon them and swear that you will be hetero no matter not. Sometimes that works for people.
Also, it might help you to get more acquainted with what the life of a lesbian is actually like. Maybe that would turn you off of lesbianism. Making love with a woman can be mind blowing and something that making love with a man simply can't compete with. But- embracing the lesbian lifestyle may not be something that appeals to you. It is not easy to be hated by and ridiculed by so many people and not let it get to you. It is not easy seeing your friends reassess you and in many cases turn away from you. Hiding one's life is stressful and difficult and painful.
You could just hope it's a phase. It might be. But, to be honest with you- it would not surprise me if by the time you are 30 or so that you decide that you are a lesbian. I say this because you trying to neatly integrate it into your realm. You want balance between the two- not a decision. If you do not like what I just said- perhaps that will add more fuel to prove me wrong. lol
The important thing is- do not torture yourself and try not to become obsessed. If you do not want to be a lesbian- do not explore lesbian sex and continue to raise these desires within yourself. THAT is self torture. That's like putting a person struggling with addiction in the room with their chemical of choice.
You can look for a clergyperson, a counselor or therapist if it is within your means to do so. A person that you can go to for discussion and understanding might be very helpful.
And, of course, I am always here and happy to help you.
When I was in the age range that you are now in, I wanted so badly to be normal and not be gay. I tried so hard! But, I was so attracted to women it just hurt. I married at 18 to a Texas music legend. I did feel sexual attraction for some men, and I had great sex with some men.
However- I could not deal with the lack of intimacy, and the constant manipulation that one must deal with when in a relationship with a man. I hated being objectified, disrespected, having my feelings minimized, never being taken seriously, and having to work twice as hard as a man to make the same amount of MONEY. I hated having birth control and sexual health be MY responsibility financially and otherwise. I hated the fact that the ultimate responsibility of child rearing and the time and expense involved in accomplishing successfully guiding and caring for a child would fall upon me. I have issues about being under the control of men. I do not trust them and I refuse to participate in their world any more than I have to. And I finally decided that I could never be happy in a committed relationship to a man.
If any of that sounds like you- it might be time for professional counseling.
Do you think that if you do not taste sex with a woman that you will really miss out? Why?
Sex is only a important as you make it. If you REALLY want to be with your boyfriend forever- it is possible that you and he will be able to come to an honest way to deal with this. Role playing and fantasy might be the thing.
Please write again if you need to~
My Secret Obsession Lesbian Erotica