Monday, May 23, 2011


Yes. The Blue is a MOM. And here is one important observation . . .
Being a mother is damned HARD.

Being a SINGLE mother is the number one cause of chemical dependency among women. (unofficial stats- y'all)

NO ONE wanted to babysit my child. She is sweet, and she is intelligent. But she comes up with some damned weird stuff to do. And she can't be disciplined. She is stubborn as hell. She can be appealed to- but you can't MAKE her to do anything.

At one point in our lives- my ex husband had my daughter. That is a long, and amazing saga- but I'll skip the details and remain focused on the point of this entry.

My ex-husband is a control freak. His desire to control everyone and everything within his realm CONFUSES everything within his realm into a chaotic, pointless, mess. Everything must be about HIM. So he creates situations where no matter who else co-exists with him- their whole point of BEING is to conform to whatever he decides they should be about. And then there is nothing left to do but fail him, or strive to please him and win his approval (which of course, he keeps just out of your reach).

Well- as soon as I figured his game out- I was out of there. And as soon as my daughter figured him out- she stopped participating.

She frustrated him to the point of insanity. At one point- he had stripped her room of all toys, games, television, radio, books, or any enjoyable diversion in an effort to force her to perform well in school. CJ didn't care. She not only would not let his efforts coerce her- she stopped doing ANY school work AT ALL.

My ex-husband used to call me, all po'd at CJ, and spouting off about how I was to join him in his fight to force her to bend to his will. I convinced him that I was doing what he wanted- but- I always did what I thought was the best thing to do, in reality. I knew that if CJ were with me- everything would be OK. And, I told my exhusband that. He mocked me about my beliefs about "mother's love", and continued on his mission to force my daughter to his will. I'm not saying dad's can't be spectacularly successful in 'child rearing', because we all KNOW that they can. We all should be honest with ourselves and use our own judgment.

You see- I did not voluntarily let CJ go with my ex-husband. He sued me for custody-and won- after three and a half years of fighting the good fight. I AM after all, a lesbian, and was living at the time with my girlfriend. I didn't stand a chance of winning. But- had I not tried, I never could have forgiven myself. And losing custody of her was DEVASTATING to me. It completely destroyed me.

When none of his restrictions and deprivation worked- he sent her off to boarding school. She was there for two years, and then they decided they couldn't handle her, and sent her back home. And, when she was sent back home- my ex-husband was REALLY pissed.

One weekend, while it was MY weekend to have CJ, she and I woke up to find that all of her belongings that were formerly at her father's had been boxed up and left on my front lawn. CJ was about 14 years old at the time. We tried to call her dad, and got no answer. My heart pounded. I knew this meant that CJ was being "given" back to me. My ex-husband had FINALLY given up. YAY! We drove over to his house, to see if we could catch him home.

Their home was no longer there. It was GONE. He'd had it leveled. He moved out of town, and did not leave a forwarding address or new phone number. He had sold the property to a business next to his home to use as a parking lot. And, he didn't even tell us of his plans. CJ was a bit sad to see her home was GONE, but happy to see that her dad was gone, too.  lol

Eventually, of course, my ex-husband did make attempts to further exert his will, and attempt to control things. Even from another city. But, I learn quickly, and as the years went by after I became involved with him, I learned how to get around him and avoid him. Until CJ was 18, we lived in a house that was fenced all the way out to the street, and kept the gate locked at all times, and kept a yard of vicious dogs.

CJ suffered a bit from the events of her life. But, she finished high school on time. She did, however, get in a bit of trouble and get expelled from the entire public school system of the state of Texas. But, I found a charter school with an accelerated program from which she graduated, without missing a beat. And, now, she's beginning her last semester of college! And, CJ enjoys very good mental health. She has good friends, and always succeeds when she applies herself. She has an enviable job managing a historic movie theatre and is happily married. No babies or drugs.

This totally pisses off my ex-husband. Because it WAS mother's love and care that enabled her to succeed. And, he has even admitted that he was wrong, and that I am a great mom (his words).  Mothers know their children in a way that, in my experience, that some fathers just can't. And, knowing and accepting the fact that CJ is who she is and will be what she'll be and not FIGHTING her is the only way I could enable her to succeed. And, I know that it was VERY difficult for her to simultaneously fail miserably (in order to meet her father's expectations), and, at the same time, to SUCCEED beyond any expectations that I ever entertained, in order to RISE to MY expectations. But she managed to pull it off.

Your children will generally perform just the way you expect them to. Please remember that.

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