QuestionHi, I am a lesbian female and lately me and my partner has been having great sex but after talking to each other we lack that connection of "making love". We've been together for 8 months now and it has been a journey. We love each other to death & I really wish to make love to her asap so she can feel how I feel & we feel tht great connection. If that makes any sense. What can I possibly do to make love to her. I admit I'm a bit shy but I'm still ready. Help me! I really want us to have passionate sex for a change
There are a million ways to make love. Some of them do not even involve sex.
I have decided to start addressing some of the more frequently
asked questions about love and sex in a series of articles on MySecretObsession.com .
Let’s start with the top and work down, shall we? Brain first. I want to talk about romance and intimacy. The erogenous zone of the gray matter.
For, sex alone can not make a great sex life.
In the estimation of many, romance and intimacy is the best part of being in love. Making love together is a mutual reaffirmation of our love for each other and romance and intimacy in our relationships creates the spark that ignites the flames of passion. Right?
Romance and intimacy should be about love NOT sex.
Not sure about romance and intimacy? Here are some tips to inspire your creative side:
Moments of romance and intimacy are easier during hard times and crisis. Just the act of sticking together during the difficult times builds a life time bond. Also we are more caring, sympathetic and understanding towards each other during a crisis.
Fortunately, life is mostly more simple. Unfortunately- that is when it gets more difficult to remember to make the time and take the time to show your love how you feel about her.
It’s all about making the simple things between you and your girlfriend or committed other good and special. Life is precious and good times should be remembered, celebrated and savored. So- here are some suggestions that can help you make that happen:
Buy a little notebook and remember special facts, days and dates. Like the date of the first time you danced with her and the song that was playing.
The date of days when you and she had a great time, where you went and other details. Send her little notes: “I was just thinking about the time we . . . (whatever you did) . . . let’s do that again sometime!”
**** (Not a sexual encounter!)
Text message her. Bring her little gifts. You do not have to spend a fortune.
Write her a poem, or bring her a nice cutting off of an ivy (Just cut a longer tendril off and place the cut end in a little bottle or jar of water. Put enough of the vine in to make it stay in), pick some fresh basil and make her some pesto, or just tie it up in a ribbon and give it to her.
Incense, candles and essential oils are very nice and inexpensive gestures that are appreciated and remembered.
Pick her some flowers.
Dance. (I have a sound system in my kitchen. Sometimes we get a bottle of wine and take turns building playlists of our favorite songs and dance all night.)
Play games together. Like Scrabble, or cards or dominos. Or video games! (my girlfriend and I get in bed with our laptops and play Scrabble on line).
Kiss her, hug her and hold her for no reason. Slip up behind her at the kitchen sink and put your arms around her and hug her. Tell her that you love her.
Tell her every time you catch yourself appreciating her looks. Like the way her hair shines in the sun, or the way she looks so hot when she pitches a softball, or how great she looks in her new sunshades. When you see it, and think it, try to remember to say it.
Let her vent and don’t try to fix it (or her). If she’s angry- let her 'blow off steam'. If she’s crying- let her cry. Be a good friend. Keep your own mouth shut, listen and nod.
Being creative with surprises makes it fun. Print out a picture of the two of you together and frame it.
Make a night of hanging out and watching movies more special by lighting candles, and putting together a special tray of snacks and make something great to drink or open a bottle of wine (and leave a clean kitchen!). Get everything ready so that no one has to get up much. Cuddle on the couch (or wherever you watch television) under blankets.
Find out what she likes and give it to her. It might be baseball games. Doing laundry. Cooking for her. Watching foreign films with subtitles. Find things that you can both enjoy (even if you have to try a little- I learned to love “True Blood”).
Do projects together.
If you have a high stress job that leaves you feeling less enamored with life at times- have days where you wake up and make a deal with yourself that you are going to be pleasant and in a great mood, no matter what happens.
Can't remember any times that were not sexual times? Maybe it is time to get up and mix a little life with your sex life.
And now for the sex part:
The best way to understand how to make love to a woman is to spend some time getting to know your own body and what feels good to YOU. When you touch yourself, pay attention to how much pressure you are using and the motion you are using to produce the sensations that feel best to you. Explore your entire body- not just your vagina.
Some women have extremely sensitive clits. Some have clits that require intense stimulation. We are all different in that respect. It is a safe guess, when first making love to a woman, that the clit is going to be very sensitive, as this is more often the case.
Assuming that the clit is going to be very sensitive, be very careful about directly stimulating the exposed clitoris (the part under the little hood). Usually too much direct stimulation is too intense, and not pleasurable (too pleasurable?). Attention should be directed to the area from where the base of the clit lies at the top of, and between the labia, to the end of the clit, just before the most sensitive, hooded part, under the fleshy foreskin.
There are women, however, that LIKE the intense stimulation. They will usually let you know.
I have found that women require more than just oral sex. I usually like to make out a lot before I go down on a woman. I love foreplay. Don’t all women? I could kiss for three weeks. I love making love.
Petting. Remember that vaginal penetration is good only with clitoral (or sometimes other) stimulation. The desire to be vaginally penetrated doesn’t PRESENT, without some other form of stimulation, first. Women can be stimulated with things other than tactile contact. Sometimes, a visual image, or a stirred emotion can arouse a woman more than a touch. If she’s already that hot- she will let you know.
The breasts need attention. Nipples are very sensitive, and touching, pinching and sucking, are very exciting. Sometimes, women like to be bitten. But, don’t assume it’s that way for every woman. Go there in degrees. Don’t neglect the nipples when you are going down on her. Remember to reach up, and touch her breasts, or gently pinch her nipples. When we are concentrating on the clit, it's easy to neglect the other parts of her that need your attention.
Encourage her to tell you what she likes. And, LISTEN to her.
When a woman is sexually aroused, she produces lubrication. She gets wet. Most of you know this. Maybe some do not. If she’s not wet- she’s not turned on (unless there is a physiological reason such as menopause that prevents it). Don’t dismay. She must be interested, or she wouldn’t BE there. So, stroke it until she's wet.
STIMULATING THE CLITORIS WITH THE TONGUE
No. Not the tip. The tip of your tongue is good for tickling little strokes, and for probing. Not for serious stimulation. Flatten your tongue, and press it firmly against the whole length of her clit’s shaft. The tip of your tongue, of course, pointing down and should be even with the ‘hot spot’. Now, maintaining even pressure flat against the clit, stroke your tongue up and down. A little ‘circular’ stroke can be very good. And make sure you have plenty of lubrication. Saliva works. Or, dip your tongue into the wetness that should now be present between her lips, at her vagina, if she‘s turned on. Use your whole tongue, not just the tip.
Vaginal penetration while administering oral stimulation, is very exciting. You can use your fingers. Or, a dildo, or you can see how deeply you can penetrate her with your tongue, alternating between her vagina, and her clit. Don’t forget her clit while you are penetrating her.
Anal penetration is very stimulating. And, anal and vaginal penetration, performed simultaneously, feels incredible. If you have never penetrated the anus- be sure that your fingers are well lubricated, and that you do it VERY slowly, and listen to her. If she doesn’t like it- stop. And, do not forget the clit. You must continue clitoral stimulation with your tongue, while you manually penetrate her.
Try to maintain constant clitoral stimulation. If you get tired, kiss her (suggestion), and stroke her clit with your fingers while your facial muscles rest. But, whatever you do- do not say that you are tired, because then she'll be afraid she is taking too long to have an orgasm.
Don’t be afraid to bring a lubricant to bed with you. It feels great, and it eliminates the pressure to get wet. Candles, incense, and sexy music are good things to have on hand. And, if you both like a little porn, movies, or stories can add a little stimulation. But, porn is a touchy subject. Be careful. Sex toys, vaginal penetration and strap on sex are very sensitive areas of conversation, too. So is the G-spot. Discussing things that a woman feels negatively about can result in a sudden change of plans. Like, no sex right now, baby. So, some things are better discussed at a less intimate moment. Just a suggestion.
Say only positive things. No complaining, no whining, all good. If you have something sensitive that needs to be addressed, think about how to say it gently, and try to put all things in as positive a light as possible.
If she has fears, and she was brave enough to address them with you- be gentle, and assuage her if you can.
And always remember- presentation is everything.
Please write again if I have not thoroughly answered your question. We haven't covered fisting, role playing / fantasy, bondage, Ds, and a lot more.